Not My Will...

On a good day, we (or more specifically, I) often struggle to find our way.  In the midst of things begging for our time and attention, we can get lost, or at the very least, side-tracked at any given moment.  On the best of days, this can be a minor inconvenience. But on the hardest of days it can be the thing that makes us want to crumble into a tiny pile of nothing, hoping that no one will need us again for at least 24 hours.  Sound familiar at all...or am I the only one finding myself in this position from time to time?  Right now we are in the big fat middle of a stretch of days that I feel anyone could describe as the hardest of days.  There are 20 new things that must be done daily on my to-do list, just for starters.  Burns fervently works each day, leaving home before 6:30am and arriving home 12 hours later, only to squeeze in time with Cooper and then do more heavy lifting to help Shelton do the most basic of things, like shower.  I don't need to go into detail, but imagine all of the things you do (other than walking) using your muscles that are below your belly button each day, just for personal care purposes.  Shelton is what the therapists consider a "rockstar" in the progress he is making, but when he has gone from using those leg muscles for 18 years, and now he has to do everything using only the strength of his arms and torso, with no cooperation from his bottom half, there is much practice to be done before "normal, routine" things become easy again.  We know that these things will become routine again for him, and before we know it we will look back on madness of March and it will be a distant memory.  We know that we will be a stronger, better, more joyful and content family on the other side.  We are thankful that we know this to be true.  However, that doesn't negate the fact that one wrong turn, one wasted moment because of a mental lapse, and my not-so-easy day can turn into a nightmare in a split second.  And then I find myself asking, "Where is God's will in all of this anyway??"  Just to keep it very, very real.  Well, I read something recently which said this...

This is a picture of Burns and Cooper working
hard on making one of Shelton's ramps more
user friendly.  Such tough guys!

"God's will is for us to know Him and believe Him,  be satisfied by Him, experience peace in Him, and enjoy Him." ~Beth Moore

And that's where it is.  I must always come back to this.  If I have grown to know my precious Savior more today, and believed that He is the way for me, then I have experienced God's will.  If I have been satisfied in Him, had peace or just enjoyed knowing what He has done for me, then I don't have to ask where His will in all of this mess is.  It is in the tiny victories and the joy those bring.  It is in going to bed at night knowing that I have served to be His hands and feet here, for my little family in this trying time.  That's His will, to love and be loved.  And that's all I need to know.

Along these same lines, Shelton said something that made Burns and I know that all of this trial is worth it.  We have prayed relentlessly for both of our boys, that their heart's desire would be for God's will to reign in their hearts and lives.  We know that this world and the enemy desire nothing more than the exact opposite of this prayer of ours.  In all of this, we know that God's name being magnified and His will being cried out for are the things that will bring peace.  The other night, in an emotional conversation with Burns, Shelton said something very sweet and it was a balm to our soul.  He said that he knows that he may never walk again.  Now, just to keep you in the loop, Shelton has told anyone who will listen that his end goal is to walk.  We are still praying for a miracle.  However, our very independent, determined boy softened his heart and claimed something that we have desired for him for a long time.  He told Burns that he knows exactly what he wants.  Shelton also said though, that he knows that he must be ok with whatever may come, as long as it is God's will.  He's getting there.  Souls don't slip away from the Savior who desires their affection so in just a day, and softening a hard, hurting heart doesn't happen in a day either.  We know this.  We pray for the day when his heart will be full of the hope and peace that comes with fully submitting to all that God has in store.  Burns and I know this peace, deeply and personally as we both had hearts of stone not too long ago.  What a glorious thing it is to look back on the road we've traveled, and what a joy it is to watch as God changes our grown up boy, right before our eyes.

{Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.}  2 Corinthians 3:17